“Everyone is either getting married or having kids, while I’m planning my next travel adventure”… I used to be that person. And yet I sit today on Mother’s Day (SA) knowing that there’s a time and place for everything. Content with life. Happy to feel you move in my womb. Traveling can and will still happen. But first… let this adventure begin and this experience guide me onto the next one.
I don’t get people who say “you’re not a mother yet because your child isn’t born”. You are alive. You move every day and grow every week. I nourish you with what I eat, look after you with how I exercise and what I think. Go through all the body and hormonal changes for a reason. Talk to you everyday. And I have never loved someone so much whom I haven’t even met yet. I’m proud to be a mother, even though you still have 86 days left in my womb.
This is my first journal entry when I found out I was carrying you (November 2016). It’s randomly written as I wrote with pure emotion flowing from the heart to ink. I hope you can look back and read these entries one day when you’re older and see your mother as a child just like you, learning and accepting change:
Three days ago I found out about you. A tiny cell the size of a poppy-seed living in my belly. At first I cried like a baby, ironically, as your daddy held me and told me it’s going to be ok.
It’s only been 4 months since arriving in the UK. I have £1,73 to my name, in debt and we do what we can to survive here. How could I possibly look after a child financially? I know I will make a great mother and I know I already love you even though I don’t know you.
How can I raise a child in this cruel world? People can be mean and inhuman and I’m sometimes embarrassed to be called ‘human’. BUT I know I will raise a warrior, a good person, a life-changer. With your dad’s passion, ambition, sense of humour and never-give-up attitude and my sensitivity, empathy and love for all things, I know you will have the best of both worlds and you will find your way on this earth, just like your parents and the rest of us. I mean, other people have raised kids and they’re ok? They just make it work. I just want you to be healthy and know that you are already loved by your family.
If only they taught us all the ‘joys’ of pregnancy in school, the way your body changes, what to eat, what not to eat… maybe more kids would be wiser, think twice and look after themselves. Women make is seem so easy. It’s not. Even if you have planned the pregnancy. It’s not only a physical change, but a mental one. I’ve certainly had to grow the F up! It’s not only about me me me and doing whatever the heck I feel like. You have given me a purpose, as cliché as it sounds. A real sense of being. A kick up the butt, if you will. You’re the best Xmas gift I have ever received as an adult.
I personally think that I am at the perfect age and it all came together the way it should be. It’s a shock and we might not be ready but it oh, will it be worth the cries, sore boobs and tiredness? Yes!
Daddy says I must blog about our journey and I will document everything (as I always do). I wish Nonno was here to see you, but he will definitely be watching over us. Might be nodding his head in disbelief, but nevertheless, I know he is happy for me.
I found out about you on a Sunday and went straight to the supermarket to find antenatal vitamins. I went to the pharmacy in store and met a pharmacist by the name of Jason. I stood in front of him asking him what vitamins to take and ended up in full conversation, bawling my eyes out in front of him, as I had no idea what to do, where to begin. I was so overwhelmed. The hormones contributed to this meltdown too! He stood there in utter shock. I can only imagine what was going through his mind haha! But he was so friendly, helpful and sympathetic and assured me all would be fine and even said he would take me to the clinic to see a doctor and advised me on what to do next. He showed me a whole aisle of pregnancy vitamins…A WHOLE AISLE!? I stared at it like I just witnessed an alien walk by. He explained I can only see a Dr when you are 5 weeks because that’s when they can hear a heartbeat. He advised me that the clinics are not going to roll a red carpet out for me and make a big fuss. He says when he had his first kid, it was very overwhelming and exciting for him but underwhelming for the Dr. They see hundreds of pregnant women. I don’t want to be treated like cattle, but I get that it’s a doctor’s job to do what he needs to do and not throw a party for every woman experiencing their first child.
It’s amazing who God puts in your path everyday. I went home feeling slightly less emotional and happy to feel more confident in knowing that everything is going to be just fine.
Extracts from my ‘Bump to Birthday‘ pregnancy & first year journal:
Why I thought I was pregnant:
- BOOBS. Can you say B’s to DD’s?! Yay!
- The ‘obvious’.
How I found out:
Before I even knew about you, I had a feeling I was pregnant and instantly had a panic attack at the thought of my body actually carrying another life.
It was a Sunday morning and I dragged Daddy to the shops to get a test as ‘Aunty Rosy’ hadn’t arrived (we will chat about this when the time is right). I took the test and put it behind me. Didn’t look. Waited a few minutes. Turned around to look…and there it was. Those two little lines you hold your breathe for, popped up = positive! I took another test to be sure. Positive again. I was 2-3 weeks at the time.
How I felt when I found out:
My heart sank. I cried like a baby in my Hello Kitty pajamas. I was scared and overwhelmed. A feeling that cannot be explained until you go through it yourself. Daddy was speechless and held me, told me everything would be alright, we are in this together and can do this. All I remember is listening to the racing heartbeat of your father, which somehow soothed me. Knowing he would never leave our side. It takes a man to raise a girl.
We love you baby girl,